Today was the day that I nearly lost my temper and had a good blub.  I phoned the appointments again at the Royal Oldham and explained why I was phoning (restorative dentist).  After discussion with her superior the woman on the other end of the phone offered me an appointment the week the chemo starts so I explained why this would not work so she offered me an appointment on Saturday the 20th-so I had to explain that chemo would have already started.  At this point I gave up and put it back into the dentists court.

 Have spent today sorting appointments. I went to the dentist a couple of weeks ago for a root canal filling.  She was unable to break through to the canal, so had to refer me to the restorative dentist at the Royal Oldham.  So far they have not got back to me, so today I phoned the dentist and the number was unobtainable, so I emailed them.  Their phone lines were down because someone had stolen the copper cable.  I consequently phoned the oral surgery at the Royal Oldham but no one was answering.  However Wythenshawe have got back to me with a date for my echocardiogram (I may have a heart murmur).

After yesterday's visit to the Christie I am now wondering whether I am doing the right thing in saying that I want chemotherapy.
Yesterday's appointment, had apparently been cancelled by Christies but we didn't know that, so they fitted us in.  Started off with blood tests and then we were taken to the breast cancer dept.  After a short wait we were seen by a registrar.  I thought going with the decision to have chemo would have speeded things up but she went through the pros and cons with us and I have to go back Monday week to sign the consent forms and the chemo will be ordered from the pharmacy and I should start it it some time that week.
The chemo is appropriately called FEC.

Off to The Christie in about half an hour.  Should be seeing an oncologist.  I have decided to go for the chemotherapy.  Need to remember that it's only me that has decided and the doctor doesn't know this and he/she will be putting it to me as a decision that I still have to make.  Having said that we have to be there an hour before the appointment to have blood tests which seems to imply that chemotherapy is already decided upon.

It's difficult to know what I feel at the moment other than I want the whole process to move on.  I seem to be stuck in limbo.  Finding it almost impossible to do my final photographic assignment and really don't feel like doing much at all, even writing this blog is becoming difficult.  Put me in a coma and wake me up when it's all done.

 

Have a good day.

xxx

Christies phoned on Wednesday to confirm the appointment with the oncologist.  I am really glad that I have got a definite date-the wait was starting to get on my ----.

I have cycled four times in five days.  The average distance covered was only about ten miles but it was very pleasing to know that I could do this distance without any strain on the wounds and to know that my legs had not wasted away.  Driving on the other hand seems to be hard work.

Also went to my photography class.  It's a group of fantastic and talented people.  I am finding it difficult to concentrate on anything even the things that give me great pleasure.

Lunched on Friday with a friend at the park.  We talked about all the nonsense that we have taken in our jobs and how both of us have perhaps lacked confidence.  I said that I wasn't going to take any rubbish from anyone, L said that it was a shame that it has taken cancer to make me realise that. 

I learned from her of the death of someone who had cared for me over many years in a professional capacity.  I regret that I had not thanked her for all her care.  There are so many things that we should say when we have the chance.

There are so many of you out there that have sent your good wishes and I have not got back to you.  All of you are making a difference to my life.

Look after yourselves.

xxx

I now have a provisional date to see the oncologist.  I am finding this part of the process very stressful.  I need about a week to assimilate what has gone on before but any longer wait to be notified of the next step is far too long for me.  I can't settle to do anything and I just want to sleep to the next date.  Where is my TARDIS when I need it?
The provisional date is next week.  I hope that things move on quickly from there.  Unless the oncologist comes up with a good reason not to have chemotherapy I intend saying to them there and then that I want to go ahead with it.

Please support me through this step of the treatment because I am scared, mainly of the unknown.  

It is difficult to find the right words to describe the wonderful friends that I have so a special mention goes to the person who brought flowers and cream cakes on Satuurday-you mean a lot to me and another special mention to that brill two cat woman in Chorlton-you are brill.

My love to you all.

Xxx

Attended my first photographic class in a month last night.  We went to Victoria Baths.  Well worth a vist if you have not been before.  It must have been hard work because I am now worn out on the following morning.
Last night was the first time I have dreamt about the cancer.  Of course it had to be in with a dream about school and an excuse not to be there and doing a register-didn't know that I hated registration so much.
I spent 2 hours yesterday afternoon in the dentist chair trying to have a root canal filling.  The dentist however failed to break through into the root canal so now I am being referred to the restorative dentist at the Royal Oldham-talk about getting your money's worth.
Enjoy your day.
Xxx

I will save you the three week picture of the wounds because I seem unable to get the camera in the right position.  They are healing remarkably well and I seem to have good mobility in the left arm.  This is because I have been very good at doing the exercises.

I am now suffering from information overload having researched chemotherapy extensively on the internet.  As research into survival rates have to be over a long time and treatments are improving all the time, predicted survival figures are going to be always out of date.  There are no guaranteed side effects of chemotherapy as everyone is different.  As I am feeling very well at the moment one of the things I fear is not feeling well.

I have yet to get the oncologists appointment but I am once again wishing that this time would pass.  I can only base my decision on the research I have undertaken, the experiences of others, what the experts say and my past experience of watching someone die of cancer and my gut feeling is if someone offers you some more time to live you take it.

I value your opinion, so why not become a follower and post something on here.

Enjoy your day.

XXX

Question:-Who wants to live to 100?
Answer:-Someone who is 99.


At the out patients clinic yesterday I was given the good news that the margins of the tumour were clear of cancer and the lymph nodes were also clear of cancer-BRILLIANT.  Mr Johnson, then said that I would be given a oestrogen suppressor as the tumour was oestrogen receptive and I would also be given radiotherapy.  So far, so good, as this was basically what we had expected.  He then throws in that they have done a computer model for me, to work out the benefits of chemotherapy.  This may extend my life by a year or so.  Alix and I were both knocked of our balance because neither of us had factored in that chemotherapy was on the cards.  This was the first time it was mentioned and of course we left with so many unanswered questions or we came up with questions later in the day.

At the moment I am 70/30 in favour of having it.  This has gone up from 60/40 in favour yesterday.  Chemotherapy has been offered because it was a grade 3 tumour which means that it was fast growing.  It was also an invasive tumour so even though cancer cells had not gotten into the lymph nodes some cancer cells could have got into the blood stream.  This is a very small risk but do I want to risk it, after all I thought I would be the last person to get breast cancer. 

From seeing patients in Christies (ok, sometime ago) I know how nasty chemotherapy can be, but on balance it will be three rotten days a month for six months-total 18 days out of my life to get at least another years life.  Two of the three types of treatment researched so far come with complete hair loss.  Is this such a big deal?  I could go for the all off look I have been wanting to try for a long time and I could have a long wig like the style I had in the 70's.  I could even have a long blonde wig or a bubble perm or a blue rinse, the possibilities are endless.
As I have to see the oncologist at Christies in the next few weeks I don't have to make my decision just yet but would like to meet her/him with as much knowledge as I can get.  So if you have any comments (sensible) to make please make them.

Take care of yourself.
xxx

"Bye and bye Piglet woke up.  As soon as he woke he said to himself 'Oh!'  The he said bravely, 'Yes,' and then still more bravely, 'Quite so.'  But he didn't feel brave, for the word that was really jiggeting about his brain was 'Heffalumps.' "
A.A. Milne

Facing my Heffalumps today.
xxx

I was looking for some inspirational writings to take with me tomorrow when I go for the results of the sentinel node biopsy.  I had a look at my poet books which include Wordsworth, Auden, Rosetti, and R.S. Thomas, none of these seemed suitable so I considered my books on Toasim-no didn't feel right nor did Buddhist quotes.  Then I settled on the perfect one- "Piglets Little Book of Bravery".
Quite a few people have called me brave over the last few weeks.  I don't rarely think this is appropriate or at least the right word because what else can one do in this situation but get on with  life.  It would be unnatural not to feel sad at some time during the process or angry but why waste the time you have got bemoaning the situation.  I do feel that I have been given a chance to recognise all the good that there is in life.
Having said all that I am anxious about tomorrow.  I have now had enough of hospitals and being the patient so here's hoping that I am clear of the cancer and there's just the radiotherapy to go through.
Take care and be kind to one another.
Xxx